issues

The problem with me is that I get hung up on people. People that I should forget about. I am so mad at myself for trying to save them in my imagination. I just don’t need them as a distraction. I am better of without them – as well as distractions and the people. I wish I could just say this to these people. That you ruined my day. And I don’t ever want to speak to you ever again. and I hate you and I still fucking want you to love me. I hate that I want to love. I want to be like Villanelle who does not need any fucking thing to make her I don’t even know what I am trying to say. I just don’t wanna be me and that’s all.

Whats the point?

What is the point of life? To connect to people who don’t wanna do anything with you… To love people until they die? To wait until you die?! I HATE IT I hate life…. yeyyy positivity…

like no really whats the point? why??? why suffer???? why not just end it all???

Long time no see UPDATE

HIII i almost forgot i have this page lol. Soo i have a lot to tell you. I broke up with my girlfriend after a year of dating. It was the right decision we kept hurting each other. Now i am in university. I study sociology and i actually like it. Also i am still into Kpop and especially Tae-min. He is my world when i am sad-which happens quit often. My mom is also back in Hungary but cos of covid i don’t see her that often. Ohh… I also have a therapist now, but i am depressed and suicidal so not much has changed in that regard. I am going to a party today, with some international friends from Azerbajdzsán, Turkey and Thailand. I am very excited about that.

And i have confessed that i like one of my best friends. She is so cool and everything but she rejected me which makes me sad sometimes. But i wish we could still be friends cos i miss her every day. Covid makes it hard for us to meet. Also I am living with my best-male-friend. He is so nice and helps with my depression, and we talk a lot about picking up girls and stuff.

szallagavató

I AM NOT PROUD. I AM NOT HAPPY. I AM NOT SATISFIED. BUT it’s ALL MY FAULT THAT IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT. ok so after this dramatic beginging you probably are wondering what went so wrong. Well, it’s easy: ME. I went wrong. I am not the person I wanted to become. I am fat and I am horrible. I didn’t even go o my after-party. I am horrible to my friends I was horrible to my girlfriend. I feel horrible about yesterday night and also about my whole life, I am supposed to study now but I can’t concentrate, and I can’t cry eighter. I want to be ok. I want to be like other people. I want to be somebody else. I want to be not me. But life isn’t that easy so I have to be me and myself.

FUTURE

I will go to Germany with my girlfriend. Let’s say her name is Karoline. She is amazing and I love her. I want to live so I can experience all these emotions that are important to me. I want to make her happy. I want her to be happy. I want her to feel the same way I feel about her. I know she loves me and that is soooo good of a feeling that I can’t ask for more in life. But I should ask for more. I should ask for me to be happy. I should ask for me to be fulfilled. I should ask for me to be better and not have anxiety or suicidal ideations. But because I don’t believe that other people can help me, I can only help myself. So I have to help me alone. Not fully alone i can take other’s help, but I have to do it myself. I should decide that I want to change. That I deserve to change that I worthy of changing. I am worthy of getting better and I am worthy of being happy. I want to see Vienna with her I want to see parts of Germany that I have never seen before with her. I want to spend Christmas day with her. I want to hold her. I want to tell her each day how much I love her.

Honest Entery

OK… so i have a girlfriend now for more then 2 months and i love her its sometimes a bit too difficult but overall its good. ok so i cant really write down my feelings on a paper form so here i go. I like having my thoughts to stay a secret. A secrete that can be revisited.

So i have no idea what i want to do with my life. I dont want to do a lot of things that other people would want to do. i would want to be free and to enjoy life. and not have it be a burden.

whatever

so I am too scared to write this down. I kissed P. I kissed her multiple times tonight and today.  it bad… i shouldn’t have we shouldn’t have but it’s good and I like it.

Fashion

I was thinking about weight and fashion. How there is a correlation that one doesn’t exist without the other. If you are not thin you can’t look good in anything. It’s sad as fuck. I want to be thin, therefore.

The fashion that I want is cute and similar to Korean fashion. IDK why but I want to look innocent and cute and small whenever I am out. I feel like that souths my personality. Being small and cute and someone you just want to cuddle and help out. That’s my dream that is what I want to achieve:

.

Also it looks good on boys too:

I ONLY GOT ME.

Hey so my friend is here now… and I am even sadder and more depressed than before. I went to therapy and I didn’t speak a word. I need solitude and I want belonging and someone saying I am enough. I keep disappointing people. I don’t know how to live anymore. I keep being sad and feeling distant from other humans. I feel like no one gets me even tho that might not be true. I feel lonely and like I have no one. That’s how Nazifa feels and that’s a reason why I like being her friend cos she gets it. Like she really gets it like fr. and I need those people in my life. I need her in my life but I am leaving and I won’t have her so I will be even more alone. I honestly don’t think anybody back home will really get me so I only got me. I ONLY GOT ME.

I just wanna know that I am enough and that I am not that big of a disappointment. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I am just lost in the world and alone and I am sick of living but I can’t give up cos I DESERVE better.

I DESERVE BETTER I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE HOW I WANT TO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO EXPERIENCE KISSING A GIRL AND PARTYS AND LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND I DONT CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE CONSEQUENCES. IT’S ONLY LIKE 2 WEEKS AWAY FROM ME. I CAN’T WAIT LIKE LITERALLY CAN’T WAIT.

 

3 am thoughts

It’s at night. Idk what to say but I want to write something. I want to lose weight as fast as possible. I want to do anything in order to achieve that. I just cleaned my room. So now it’s clean. I packed everything in my suitcase so I am basically ready to leave. It feels so weird to be prepared when I only leave in a month. But I want to be prepared. I want to leave. I am passionate to leave. I want to go home again. If I was home right now I would go on a walk on the familiar dark streets of district 11.

But I do want to enjoy my last weeks here as well but it’s hard to do that alone. My friends here are all working or are busy all day so I am alone aside from going to therapy. I like a girl in therapy but she has a whole thing with a girl so I don’t think I will even go on a date… Even tho she is pretty and I would want to kiss her…

Also, I have new glasses now so that’s cool. I am excited to have glasses. They actually look cool and I wanna wear them outside to see if I like wearing glasses or not. Like wear them for sleepovers or parties or idk. It will be useful in the future. I wanna wear them when we take pics to see if they look aesthetic or not on me. They are expensive glasses. They are Mark Jakob’s glasses. I am happy. I like spending money now which is bad. Now I wanna be rich cos I like the feeling of spending money and getting things that I want. Ok, I wasn’t serious obviously I don’t wanna be rich but still, it feels nice. But I don’t wanna be rich regardless.

I should print these pages out or something cos what if they disappear or idk, that would be sad. I have way too many diaries tho. Like in the two years in the US I realized that I like writing diaries so I started and continued. and now I have a lotttt. Like 3-4 in just 2 years.